Putting it out there

Okay, what is the deal with me? I put on 40 pounds over the last few years and though I hate being this overweight, I do not commit to losing the weight. I want to lose the weight, but not enough to stay away from the cookies or whatever else is hanging around the house. Why am I bringing this stuff in the house anyway? Why do I feel the need to eat all of the sweets that I can't or won't control myself around? 

Way back in 2003, I lost 45 pounds. I had a 3 year old and a 1 1/2 year old at the time. I was so committed to losing the weight and getting back to me. The 45 pounds were from 2 pregnancies back to back, those extra 10 pounds I needed to lose prior to getting pregnant and then all of the Ben & Jerry's I ate that first year with 2 babies...breastfeeding did not melt the pounds away as a friend told me it would. Then again, I was depressed and stressed that first year with the two kids. We got ready to move across the state (again...the first time being when my first child was born), unbeknownst to me at the time, my oldest had a severe speech disorder so I was stressed about his development, I was totally sleep deprived and all the regular stuff that goes on in life with little ones. I ate my emotions. 

Anyway back to the losing weight in 2003. I felt so good about myself. I was in control of myself and my life...just this small portion of my life, but still. It's hard to be in complete control of everything when you have small children. I felt like a better mother and things were not easy with my children. The worry and stress I had about Jack, my oldest, and his speech disorder was so hard on me. And Murphy, well, that child brings out the very best and the absolute worst in me. I would have needed to be blogging back then to put it all into words. No time for that right now...plus, I am supposed to be talking about my weight. 

I kept the weight off for a couple of years before I just let myself go. It was a stressful time. We thought we were relocating across the country (I am in the northeast and we were going to be moving to Seattle...about as far from us as you can go.) My husband had talked me into getting a freaking puppy. I could go on and on, but really, I am so off point here. I ate whatever I wanted and lots of it. Lots of sugar. I gradually gained a few (well, 10 pounds) in a month's time. I thought, no problem, I can get that off. But you know, I never committed to losing the weight and gradually I gained more weight...until it reached 40 pounds. I can hardly believe it.

I know what to do to lose weight. Eat less, move more. I know that I need to change habits. I just don't do it. Well, I do it for a short time, but never long enough to get momentum on the weight loss. I also am hypothyroid so my metabolism is sluggish. But really that is no excuse. I was exercising 4 to 5 days a week for an hour. I was eating well most of the time. But I was not really losing any weight. It was and is so frustrating. I know in order for me to lose weight, I can only eat about 1200-1350 calories a day and need to exercise most days. I have talked to my doctor about this. I just have not committed to it. I want to commit to this plan, I just don't do it. 

I actually cried a little today when I watched the Biggest Loser and Colleen was talking about how her life has changed, etc. I want to change my life...the way I feel about myself. I know I don't do certain things because of my weight. I'm just so disappointed in myself.