Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Putting it out there

Okay, what is the deal with me? I put on 40 pounds over the last few years and though I hate being this overweight, I do not commit to losing the weight. I want to lose the weight, but not enough to stay away from the cookies or whatever else is hanging around the house. Why am I bringing this stuff in the house anyway? Why do I feel the need to eat all of the sweets that I can't or won't control myself around? 

Way back in 2003, I lost 45 pounds. I had a 3 year old and a 1 1/2 year old at the time. I was so committed to losing the weight and getting back to me. The 45 pounds were from 2 pregnancies back to back, those extra 10 pounds I needed to lose prior to getting pregnant and then all of the Ben & Jerry's I ate that first year with 2 babies...breastfeeding did not melt the pounds away as a friend told me it would. Then again, I was depressed and stressed that first year with the two kids. We got ready to move across the state (again...the first time being when my first child was born), unbeknownst to me at the time, my oldest had a severe speech disorder so I was stressed about his development, I was totally sleep deprived and all the regular stuff that goes on in life with little ones. I ate my emotions. 

Anyway back to the losing weight in 2003. I felt so good about myself. I was in control of myself and my life...just this small portion of my life, but still. It's hard to be in complete control of everything when you have small children. I felt like a better mother and things were not easy with my children. The worry and stress I had about Jack, my oldest, and his speech disorder was so hard on me. And Murphy, well, that child brings out the very best and the absolute worst in me. I would have needed to be blogging back then to put it all into words. No time for that right now...plus, I am supposed to be talking about my weight. 

I kept the weight off for a couple of years before I just let myself go. It was a stressful time. We thought we were relocating across the country (I am in the northeast and we were going to be moving to Seattle...about as far from us as you can go.) My husband had talked me into getting a freaking puppy. I could go on and on, but really, I am so off point here. I ate whatever I wanted and lots of it. Lots of sugar. I gradually gained a few (well, 10 pounds) in a month's time. I thought, no problem, I can get that off. But you know, I never committed to losing the weight and gradually I gained more weight...until it reached 40 pounds. I can hardly believe it.

I know what to do to lose weight. Eat less, move more. I know that I need to change habits. I just don't do it. Well, I do it for a short time, but never long enough to get momentum on the weight loss. I also am hypothyroid so my metabolism is sluggish. But really that is no excuse. I was exercising 4 to 5 days a week for an hour. I was eating well most of the time. But I was not really losing any weight. It was and is so frustrating. I know in order for me to lose weight, I can only eat about 1200-1350 calories a day and need to exercise most days. I have talked to my doctor about this. I just have not committed to it. I want to commit to this plan, I just don't do it. 

I actually cried a little today when I watched the Biggest Loser and Colleen was talking about how her life has changed, etc. I want to change my life...the way I feel about myself. I know I don't do certain things because of my weight. I'm just so disappointed in myself. 


4 comments:

Mrs Furious said...

I don't know how inspirational I can be since I'm hardcore feelin you on this front. I haven't gained it back (yet) but I am for whatever freaking reason NOT doing what I need to to stay here.
I think partly it is just the fucking resistance to committing to something forEVER. Who the fuck wants to do that? I think we're all struggling to get to that place where we can sustain wanting to do it (or just plain accepting that we have to).

I think you can do it... I can do it. I think the mistake was having done it and then feeling like it wouldn't be so hard to get back to it after this break or that break and then time and life goes on and the further you get from it the harder it is to get back into it. Next time we're in the zone we need to help each other stay there!

Jeez now that could have been a post! ;)

julie said...

Hey Mrs F, you got it totally right. It is so hard to get back on track and accept that it is forEVER. I mean, I know I had/have some other reasons that the weight climbed on so fast (the hypothyroidism), but certainly not all of it.

We will get back in the zone. C'mon, you are totally a badass...remember? Although right now I think baby is kicking your ass.

Heather said...

Breastfeeding is so not the calorie burner for me either! I love this post -- the rambly and the raw honesty.

Not like I know anything, but I think the one week thing is a good one. I get really discouraged and overwhelmed easily, but this week so far I just keep reminding myself to take thing one meal at a time and one week at a time.

I know you can do this too!

julie said...

one meal at a time and one week at a time. Yes, yes, yes! Why is this food thing so hard for some of us and not for others;(